It's been 11 months. Eleven months since I broke my shoulder, 11 months since my life changed in a dramatic way. I thought it would be like the time I tore my ACL, I was out of commission for a few months but after recovery my life went right back to the way it was before. This injury is quite different. This injury has shaped me, and changed me, from the inside out. Priorities are different for me now. Enjoying fresh air and sunshine has become more important to me than finishing my thesis "on time". It wasn't just a bone that I broke, my soul broke too. The injury hurt, worse than anything I have ever experienced, but the lack of activity and the pain associated with the slightest movement for months after broke my soul.
I remember about a month after the surgery, my sister came to take care of me (because I still could not shower or dress all by myself) and she took me for a walk up the street. Modesty had gone out the window and I was wearing my granny gown, and I had to hang on to my sister because I was so weak and dizzy, and we slowly walked the length of a block. I didn't realize it then but this was my starting point, and when I think of that day I am so THANKFUL that I have come as far as I have now. Walking now gives me no pain, and I can ride my bike for a couple of miles before my shoulder tells me it's had enough. Recently I bought a new mountain bike so I would have front shocks to absorb some of the impact instead of having my shoulder bouncing around. It's much better. But that's just the physical side of things.
My soul literally broke, and I'm not sure when or why. Was it the lack of independence following the injury when I had to be taken care of, and bathed and dressed by others for a good 4-6 weeks after? Was it when my family had better things to do than spend time with me during the darkest days? Was it the moment of impact, which I remember distinctly and unwillingly replay in my mind in slow motion frame by frame? I don't know, my guess is a combination of all of the above, in addition to almost 9 months of physical therapy, and the "simple" things that become difficult with a shoulder that doesn't work any more. At any rate, I am piecing myself back together and doing well, but my priorities have shifted. What is important, most important, to me is making the most of every day, because I learned that in a split second your life can completely change. One second I was riding my bike having one of the best camping/biking weekends of my life, and the next I was laying on the ground afraid I was dying because I literally could not breathe.
People don't understand me and I found myself trying to defend why I am choosing to ride my bike instead of work on my thesis sometimes, or why I choose to go hiking instead of the library. I gave up, these people have not had the same experience I have with this injury, and out of all the bad cards that I got dealt with this I feel blessed that I now have perspective on the things that are really important. Spending time with family and friends, doing things that are good for the soul, is at the top of my priority list. The rest will come, or not, and that is okay. As long as my body and soul are in good shape, I am happy.
"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows
us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe
that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going
through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes
us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.
" (quote from Grey's Anatomy"
