Changes from injuries aren't always physical

It's been 11 months.  Eleven months since I broke my shoulder, 11 months since my life changed in a dramatic way.  I thought it would be like the time I tore my ACL, I was out of commission for a few months but after recovery my life went right back to the way it was before.  This injury is quite different.  This injury has shaped me, and changed me, from the inside out.  Priorities are different for me now.  Enjoying fresh air and sunshine has become more important to me than finishing my thesis "on time".  It wasn't just a bone that I broke, my soul broke too.  The injury hurt, worse than anything I have ever experienced, but the lack of activity and the pain associated with the slightest movement for months after broke my soul. 

I remember about a month after the surgery, my sister came to take care of me (because I still could not shower or dress all by myself) and she took me for a walk up the street.  Modesty had gone out the window and I was wearing my granny gown, and I had to hang on to my sister because I was so weak and dizzy, and we slowly walked the length of a block.  I didn't realize it then but this was my starting point, and when I think of that day I am so THANKFUL that I have come as far as I have now.  Walking now gives me no pain, and I can ride my bike for a couple of miles before my shoulder tells me it's had enough.  Recently I bought a new mountain bike so I would have front shocks to absorb some of the impact instead of having my shoulder bouncing around. It's much better.  But that's just the physical side of things.

My soul literally broke, and I'm not sure when or why.  Was it the lack of independence following the injury when I had to be taken care of, and bathed and dressed by others for a good 4-6 weeks after?  Was it when my family had better things to do than spend time with me during the darkest days?  Was it the moment of impact, which I remember distinctly and unwillingly replay in my mind in slow motion frame by frame?  I don't know, my guess is a combination of all of the above, in addition to almost 9 months of physical therapy, and the "simple" things that become difficult with a shoulder that doesn't work any more.  At any rate, I am piecing myself back together and doing well, but my priorities have shifted.   What is important, most important, to me is making the most of every day, because I learned that in a split second your life can completely change.  One second I was riding my bike having one of the best camping/biking weekends of my life, and the next I was laying on the ground afraid I was dying because I literally could not breathe. 

People don't understand me and I found myself trying to defend why I am choosing to ride my bike instead of work on my thesis sometimes, or why I choose to go hiking instead of the library.  I gave up, these people have not had the same experience I have with this injury, and out of all the bad cards that I got dealt with this I feel blessed that I now have perspective on the things that are really important.   Spending time with family and friends, doing things that are good for the soul, is at the top of my priority list.  The rest will come, or not, and that is okay.  As long as my body and soul are in good shape, I am happy. 

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.
"  (quote from Grey's Anatomy"

A long hard road.....

After I got out of surgery on June 7th, the surgeon and his team came in my hospital room to talk to me. The surgeon told me that my fracture was worse than he originally thought, and that he wanted to make clear that I had long hard road ahead of me. I thought I understood what he was saying, nodded my head, and cheerfully said I'd do whatever it took to get better. Looking back, he must have thought I was so foolish, I had NO IDEA how hard this was going to be.

Long hard road indeed! I am still in a lot of pain, I still sleep on my right side, though from time to time I attempt to lay on my left side for a bit - it doesn't last long due to the pain. I do home exercises religiously but still have trouble with range of motion, pain, and day to day inconsistencies. One day I feel pretty good, the next day my arm is killing me. Eight months, I thought by this time my shoulder injury would be a distant memory, but it isn't.

I had a follow up a few weeks ago and they've put me back in Physical Therapy because I was losing range of motion. So, back to 2x per week. I have more pain now than I did a few months ago, which makes me worry about AVN. They told me in the beginning that if I develop AVN I will start experiencing more pain again. So far, doctor says xrays don't show any obvious AVN but they won't know until about the year mark for sure. So, it's a waiting game.

In the meantime, everything is harder than it use to be. I am working on my thesis, but can't give it 100%, focusing (and typing) for any length of time is difficult. But I am plugging away at it and eventually it will be written. I have chosen not to give myself grief over this, as long as I am moving along in a forward direction, I am content.

All in all my pain fluctuates from day to day, some days are not so bad, and other days I am very aware of my injury. My attitude also fluctuates, for the most part I am a positive person and I try to focus on how far I've come and all that I can do now. However, I do have moments where I just feel so sorry for myself. This injury sucked. Recovery sucked. Eight months out, it still sucks. Staying busy and active helps a lot, doing things I use to do, even if I have to modify it, makes a big difference to my soul. I will continue to work hard and to hope for the best - I have heard from people who had similar injuries that it takes a good year and a half to two years before you start feeling "normal" again. So, I hope that is true!!

Back on the bike!!!!

January 27th was a monumental day for me. Seven months and 29 days of torture not being able to ride my bike. I still have a lot of issues with my shoulder, and of course I'm scared to death of falling and hurting it again. So, I decided my first time out would be on a flat canal trail with a friend. We took it slow and I was only able to do a few miles because the position of the arm while holding the handle bars for any length of time is difficult. The good news is that we geocached along the way - so I got to stop and take a break every half mile or so. Here is a video of me taking my first spin around the parking lot, forgive me for the audio - we didn't have a script, this was improv.